


Superheroes My Ass

by Gosh_Mr_Big_Brain



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: BTW, Because when isn't she?, But Rhodey loves him anyways, Gen, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Pepper is awesome though, Rhodey & Tony are also idiots, Rhodey also totally supports this behavior because Rhodey is an enabler, tony stark is a little shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 05:10:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12474200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gosh_Mr_Big_Brain/pseuds/Gosh_Mr_Big_Brain
Summary: Rhodey forces Tony to actually go outside on a hike to help with his rehabilitation. Chaos ensues from there.





	Superheroes My Ass

    “I told you this was a bad idea.”

    “Shut up,” Tony hissed, squinting to see past the faint trail of light being emitted from his dying, disappointment of a flashlight. “And no, you did not. I distinctly remember you saying to me, ‘Wow Tony! Going into this dark and possibly deadly cave sounds like a fantastic idea! Why didn’t I think of that? No wonder people call you a genius!’”

    Rhodey remained quiet beside him but Tony could practically see the familiar look of annoyed distaste that was now, most likely, digging itself into the other man’s exasperated features. 

    “I may be paraphrasing a little.”

    At that, Rhodey could no longer control himself and released a loud snort, the light of his flashlight swinging in a wide arc with the movement of his body. Tony turned himself and his own flashlight to the side just in time to see the annoyed expression melt into one of amused fondness. “Maybe just a little, Stank, maybe just a little.”

    Tony grinned back, his entire expression brightening into one of delight, pleased to make his friend smile despite the undesirable circumstances they were currently stuck with. “Anyways,” he began, turning so that he could actually see where he was going. “It doesn’t matter whose fault it is-”

    “Yours,” Rhodey muttered, playing it off as a loud, intense burst of coughs. 

    Tony swung the flashlight back around, himself in tow, and pointed into directly into his friend’s face. Unfortunately, it hardly had any effect on the other man given the fact that it was so dim that you could barely even see with it. Tony always had been one for the dramatics, even when lost in a cave. “Oh, I’m sorry, Rhodey. Did you say something?”

    He blinked in surprise, the gesture large and over exaggerated. “Who, me? Of course not, Tony! Why would I ever even attempt to interrupt your brilliant genius?” Rhodey protested pressing his free hand against his heart, his eyes a little too wide and tone a little too insulted to be sincere. 

    Tony squinted, eyeing him with deep suspicion. “Whatever, Rhodes,” he started, twirling around to face the extreme darkness that threatened to swallow the two friends whole when the lights of their flashlights finally deemed it fit to go out. “Back to what I was saying before-”

    Another snort, this one smaller and more controlled. “I think we have more pressing issues than that, Tones,” Rhodey drawled, waving his own dim flashlight through the air so that the light bounced all around the rocky corridor that they were currently passing through. 

    “That’s what I was talking about!” Tony defended, shooting a look of contempt over his shoulder in his friend’s general direction. “You know that’s not the conversation I meant, you asshole.”

    “Mmm, sure Stark. We both know how desperately you want to go back to talking about Parker’s science fair entry. Look at you! Who would have ever thought that Tony Stark would ever become such a proud Dad?” Rhodey teased, his tone light and joking as he ran a hand along the cavern wall. “Not me, that’s for sure.”

    “Okay, first of all Peter’s entry  _ is  _ really cool so you can shut the hell up and second of all, I would be really offended right if it weren’t for the fact that we’re lost in a f*cking cave!” Tony retorted, his voice raising to a near shout and echoing all throughout the corridor as he finished speaking. 

    “And whose fault is that?” his ‘best friend’ of nearly 30 years inquired, a sugary sweet innocence caked all throughout his words. 

    Reflexively, Tony rolled his eyes despite the limited amount of irritation currently coursing through his body. “We are not getting back into this, Rhodey,” he warned, jabbing a shadowy finger in his direction. Stupid normal people flashlights that his idiot bot forgot to charge. Stupid DUM-E who, for some reason that escaped even his level of intelligence, couldn’t perform any simple task to save his life. Stupid hiking trip Rhodey decided to drag him on as part of his rehabilitation and without any of his awesome technology nonetheless because ‘It’s not a real hiking trip if you’re on your phone the whole time’. Tony grumbled all this in his mind, entirely ready to blame anyone and everyone for his current predicament. God, he’d kill for a canister of coffee right now… One that wasn’t mixed with fresh motor oil because DUM-E just loved constantly disappointing him 

    “It’s a bit too late for that because, as you so eloquently phrased it, we are currently lost in a f*cking cave!”

    Tony glowered into the darkness, unwilling to give his friend the satisfaction of turning to face him. “Thank you, Captain Obvious. Maybe you could be slightly more helpful and think of a solution other than aimlessly wandering around in almost complete darkness because I, for one, don’t really feel like dying in this stupid cave,” he announced, spontaneously pounding the rock wall with his fist in an act of belated irritation. 

    “You’re not alone on that one, man,” Rhodey conceded, placing a steady hand on the other man’s shoulder to help calm him. “Dying in this cave would be quite the anti-climatic ending for Iron Man and War Machine,” he sighed, the sound of his breathing awfully loud in the nearly silent cavern. 

    The two friends remained this way, standing side by side, for several long moments, all banter and clever quips suddenly stolen from their very lips. Only a crushing hopelessness remained, hanging heavily through the air, eating at their very souls...

 

… 

 

    “Tony?” Rhodey? What the hell are the two of you doing? Honestly! I leave you alone for one night and somehow you end up lost in a cave in the middle of nowhere!”

    Rapidly, the crushing hopelessness melted away into relief and the slight twinge of guilt that always came with a lecture from Pepper Potts. Oh, and a small, yet strong, dose of absolute terror as well because Pepper Potts was always, and especially in lecture mode, incredibly intimidating. 

    “Pep?” Tony responded, his voice growing louder and much more optimistic. “What the hell are you doing here? I thought you had a press conference in California!”

    “And I thought the two of you weren’t complete idiots. Apparently we were both wrong,” Pepper berated, finally coming into view. And by coming into view, Tony meant her huge, blinding,  _ proper  _ (Take notes, DUM-E, take notes) flashlight came into view. And, to try and put some perspective in their next actions, they had been dealing with stupidly dim, uncharged flashlights for the past two and a half hours they had been embarrassingly lost in this extremely dark cave. Long story short, their reactions to the sudden increase of light did not reflect either their age nor their experience as beloved, courageous superheroes. 

    The Invincible Iron Man and War Machine both flinched, eyes squinting as the radiant glow enveloped them. Tony was so taken aback that he stumbled backwards, clumsily tripping over his own two feet and easily taking Rhodey down with him in the process. 

    “Honestly.” Pepper rolled her eyes, her dark silhouette barely visible in the dazzling light. “Superheroes my ass.”


End file.
